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If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
I’m not going bald. I’m getting more head.
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
Cool thing about winter is after grocery shopping your car can double as your refrigerator.
Well, it`s about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.
Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?
my neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums...
I`d like to thanks all the girls for wearing yoga pants. It is the only reason why we`re not complaining about how cold this winter it
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
Dyslexics are teople poo.. :|
Sometimes, I think I`m a genius. Then I realize I`ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.
These are not pizza stains on my shirt they are pizza memories, wonderful wonderful memories.
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?