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If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Bitch I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I was an atheist, until I realized I was a sex god.
Well ... here I am ... cleverly disguised as a responsible adult!
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
Find someone who is honest, laughs when you make fun of them, and then give each other orgasms.
QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
FYI: You can buy wedding cake even if there`s no wedding, those suckers don`t even check
It`s amazing the things I can remember when I don`t need to remember anything.
Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole bag.
Jingle bells johnny smells, amelia ruled the show, frankies okay, marcus is gay, little mix all the way.. HAY !!!
I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.