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I`m going to a wedding rehearsal this weekend. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you see someone practice making a mistake.
Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
Getting up in the morning is like writing an essay. You want to do it, it takes a lot of effort, and you usually quit halfway through.
Turning on your lights and siren after you lose a drag race is just poor sportsmanship.
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
Michael Schumacher`s former crew just visited him in the hospital. They changed the wheels on his bed and his drip in 4.4 secs.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…