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The face jewelry is getting out of hand. I saw a guy today that looked like he had done a face plant in a tackle box.
Consumer confidence is at an all time high, and so am I.
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
If I lean to the left. I am not trying to whisper in your ear. I`m married. I`m gonna fart.
Laughter is the best medicine (that my insurance is willing to cover)
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
Most difficult job ever.......Working in a bubble wrap factory......Imagine the self control needed.
I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
I`m paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
If we`re in a situation where I am the "voice of reason," then we are in a very very bad situation.