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If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
I can`t wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.
In sign language, arthritis is a speech impediment.
Do you ever order a club sandwich just to feel like you`re a part of something?
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you`ll get what you want.
I hope manners is the next cool trend.
I`m not feeling myself today..... Perhaps I should feel someone else.
Im thinking, The best part about sitting down at the computer for a minute and making a status message like this is that by the time you`ve finished reading it and taking a minute out of your day you`ll have a brand sense of enlightenment and awareness that you never had before once you realize that there is absolutely no point to this post whatsoever.
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
pharmacy was out of my BP meds...so i bought a baseball bat instead..that works much faster
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
Ever notice how many friends you have when you pull out a pack of gum?