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They should turn off Netflix at 1:00am for people with jobs and no willpower....bastards
How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
I will never be to old to laugh when somone farts in a public bathroom peeing..
The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn’t enough motivation to get off the couch.
I’m a lonely Status. I wish more people liked me.
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
Do the right thing today: Go to someone`s profile, scroll down 4 months, and like something.
Pizza: Round food, cut into triangles and put into a square box.
Ran into a former supervisor from my last job today, kept driving.
Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen