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I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
If each day is a gift, I`d like to know where I can return Monday.
Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
R2-D2 from Star Wars, still holds the record for most curse words in a movie.
I am used but in good condition.
Today in my local cemetery I came across the grave of Arthur Wynne the inventor of the crossword puzzle. For those that want to know where he is buried it`s 6 down and 4 across.
If Jesus is the reason for the season.......why is the church parking lot empty and Wal Marts is full?
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
These are not pizza stains on my shirt they are pizza memories, wonderful wonderful memories.
At least a stalker is there for you.