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one of the Olsen twins got married earlier today! when the fiance was asked "which one???" he replied "who cares???"
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
Hell hath no fury like me when Iām slightly inconvenienced and hungry.
"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
I think for Halloween I am going to go as Karma. Some of you should be worried.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
Someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Guys are excellent cooks. With two eggs, a sausage, & a little bit of milk...they can keep a girl`s stomach full for 9 months.
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
It`s all good and well until the fecal matter impacts the electric powered air current generation device.....
Wanna come over for pizza and sex? I`m just kidding ... there`s no pizza.
If you`re behind someone at the ATM late at night, let them know you`re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck.
I`ve come to the point where I don`t even procrastinate anymore ... I just don`t do it.