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For once I’d like to get kicked into a bar
Still waiting for a Discovery Channel "How It`s Made" episode on babies.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don`t tell them you need it by a certain date.
My girlfriend would be so mad if he found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He`s going to pay for that later.
That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.
Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.
I can`t tell if I actually have free time, or if I`m just forgetting everything...
If the Dollar Store ever starts selling alcohol....drinks are on me.
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.
That one day of fame on Facebook because it`s your birthday.
I Don`t Care If you Don`t Like Me .. Iam Not A Facebook Status :D