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I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs
A wireless bra? They weren`t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I don`t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
My train of thought is loco, no motive.
If kindness really kills, you`ll always be completely safe around me.
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand English – dogs
“Screw it” – My final thought before making most decisions.
Cats would be even more stuck up if they knew how much the internet loves them.
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
I really hope my spirit animal is a bear because well I would love to hibernate all winter.
The exam hall is the only place on the earth where everyone is desperate for teamwork..
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."