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I don`t ever need to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Leaving a pizza in the oven while I make a quick run to Walgreens is about all the adrenaline rush I can handle.
Did anyone hear the one about the cross dresser? The happiest day in his life was when he finally got into his girlfriend`s pants.
Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.
sometimes i look at people and think really, thats the sperm that won.
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
My kid’s teacher told me my kid is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.
I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.
FACT: Men are much less likely to divulge a secret than women. Probably because they weren`t really listening to begin with.
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.