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Let`s sleep in until it`s time to go to bed again
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
Don`t you just hate it when people say stuff in thier status that you really didn`t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop. Talk to ya later.
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, there`s my drink.
I just ate 3 whole chickens ... they were hard boiled.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah`s ark.
A company has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It`s a new cutting-edge technology called "taking the bus."
2015 and I still can`t believe it`s not butter!
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."
That awkward moment when you forget what you’re watching during the commercial break.