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Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
Always look out for #1. Don´t step in #2 either.
I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
Anyone that says I`m a lover not a fighter has clearly never been in a relationship over 6 months
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The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
The last time I went to a nude beach I got a ticket. The officer said I was applying my sunscreen...Too Fast.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
If you slept with my husband I`d be like "OMG how much do I owe you?"
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.