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some people just need a high-five......in the face......with a chair!
Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
Of course you don’t think you’re ignorant! That’s the definition of ignorance!
a friend will calm you down when you`re angry a best friend will run beside you with a baseball bat shouting, "somebody`s gonna get it!"
Does Facebook have a “You’re not smart enough to be talking about politics” button?
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they say "to boldly go where no one has gone before", when they get there, they always meet someone?
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
Well, it`s about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
Tips for Guys on Valentine`s Day: Tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. She`ll automatically list things she wants.
If Wendy`s think their square burgers are so awesome, why don`t they use square buns?
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.