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If gas prices keep going up I`m cutting off the bottom of my car and I`m "Flintstoning" That mf!
The only difference between fear and adventure is how much you breathe.
I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
Dear Santa: My sister is the "naughty" one ... trust me.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I`d say I`m about 74% Rice Krispies.
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
I sure did waste a lot of time as a kid practicing my autograph.
Guys you should never overreact when you hear the words, " The babysitter is late."
Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren`t you Ice-T?"
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
I got a Rolex for my birthday from my lesbian friends. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
I was wondering why some couples don`t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don`t work out...
I hate it when I meow at cats and they don`t meow back. Unbelievably rude