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My top 5 exercises: -Jumping to conclusions -Flying off the handle -Carrying things too far -Dodging responsibilities -Pushing my luck
What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
That logical moment when you`re watching Home Alone 2 wondering how child services haven`t taken him away from his parents yet.
I will be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
A man made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind ... And now, we wait...
I know it`s 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
I`m jealous of my parents, I`ll never have kids as cool as theirs.
Why did they send me to this white room? Do they think I`m crazy? Do they think I`m ...HOLY CRAP THE WALLS ARE FLUFFY!!!
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
Life is tough. Put on your big girl panties and deal with it like the rest of us.
If the universe didn`t want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn`t have four slots on my toaster...
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
Just realized the irony of putting Bacon on my VeggieBurger..........