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ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.
I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.
What about a To-Don`t List?
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
This sushi restaurant has the worst service. "Sir, this is an aquarium"
You can`t be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn`t work that way...your already hard to want
At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
I`m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
College is the only time in which being poor and drunk is acceptable.
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole....
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.