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Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits. Go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.
Reverse Psychology: DO not STALK MY FB PAGE. YOU ARE not OBSESSED WITH ME...
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that`s why I weigh myself in the mornings.
Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
Cookies and porn are always better when they`re homemade!
I would of read and liked your status if it wasn`t like 3 pages long.
I`m painting a blue square in the backyard... so Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
All women have an hour glass figure – it’s just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.