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"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
List of the most populated places in the world - 1. China 2. India 3. Friend Zone 4. United States 5. Indonesia
I`ve been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
Shark week is over, but I`m not taking my decorations down.
why were you in my dreams again? i`m starting to think you`re stalking me.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my mind and my temper
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down post at night, so far I have: Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Life is to short ... to waste time matching socks.
My reaction to stepping in dog sh!t is identical to me logging onto Facebook