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My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
When I see you in hell I`ll still ignore you
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
I hate when I´m laughing & my a$$ falls off.
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
I wish more events in life involved dumping a cooler full of Gatorade on people.
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship. I`m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets!
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.