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Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
The one thing you never wanna hear when your father catches you watching porn is... "Scoot over."
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
Sometimes I STOP when it`s not even Hammer time
Girlfriend: You`re acting like a little kid. Me: What do mean, little kids can`t drink.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it`s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I hate when the weather man says there is a chance of sprinkles in the forecast...makes me want donuts!!
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
This Tequila tastes like an afternoon of fun and bad decisions.
Life is about perspective like the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen
I don’t care if it’s 1 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...