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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
I wonder how many strangers have stories about me.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
Seven years ago today I swallowed bubblegum ... I`ll keep you all posted.
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
Fire at will! Oh, it`s you, Bob! Fire at Bob!"
Never underestimate the power of the web. -Charlotte
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.
Being in hot water isn`t so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.
Studies show it’s totally okay for me to just say “studies show” in front of whatever I want to say.
If something`s worth doing, it`s worth doing rihgt.