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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
Whatever I did to make you hate me, I’d like to know. I have other people I can use that on.
Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone
Gatorade always has athletes in their commercials sweating and working hard. They really should target their real consumer. A Fat guy on the couch nursing a hangover. Is it in you?
Before I die I`m going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.
Its not you, it`s how you don`t make me sandwiches.
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. I threw my scale out.
Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?
If da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20121020-00463.jpg"
I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.