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To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce.
The only way a fidgey spinner would relieve my stress is if it was edible ...
The Manning`s Thanksgiving is going to be awkward this year. "Eli, can you pass the stuffing- oh wait, you better let Peyton do it."
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
If listening to stupid people burned calories, I`d be a supermodel.
The worst thing about rich people is I`m not one of them.
I always stip to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porn starts off.
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
If anybody out there happens to have my voodoo doll, can u please scratch my balls. I happe to be in a public place at the moment.
As I slowly ran my finger down her G string I thought to myself, this is a nice guitar.
Be the type of gentleman that holds the door open for your girl, but smacks her ass as she walks in.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues. ... and dates.
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."