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I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Ok, I’m having wine for dinner.
I may not look good naked, but I`m a beautiful person on the insi.... Hahahaha just kidding I look great naked
I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
my ex-girlfriend is a famous porn star. But would she be pissed if she found out.
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake
When I see a girl with too much makeup, I just want to use my finger to write "Wash Me" on her face.