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Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Let`s talk about how fabulous u think I am.
Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that`s how I feel today.
If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
People: What a bunch of bastards!
I know the voices aren`t real but they have some great ideas.
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her “bitch refresher course”.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from following you.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they`re flying too close together?
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.