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Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
Aren`t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know...The birth of Santa
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I`m back. Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
The only thing worse than "the one that got away" is the one that won`t go away.
Life Rule #17: Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, ...just incase.
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
I never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn’t hate.
Bacon...need I say more
As soon as you think “maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow” you’ve already lost.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”
You should NEVER say and I mean NEVER say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she`s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at the moment.. :|
So many fun things to say ... too many relatives on Facebook to post!