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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
How long do I have to sleep before I`m legally a bear?
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
Starting to believe I`m trouble
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
Life is different in Christian frats: “You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.” “Way to save it for marriage, bro.” *fist bump*
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions just reaffirms how unoriginal all my problems are.
I would not mind living next to a serial killer. They never kill the neighbor. He`s the one that`s always on the news later saying "He was a quite guy, never really talked to anyone." Wait a minute ... I don`t talk to my neighbors!
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?
I saw a comedian one time who did nothing but make geography puns. talk abbottabad act.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we`re terrified people in real life will find us on the internet
I will vote for Donald Trump just to hear him tell Obama he`s fired!!