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Spiders are the only web developers that are happy to find bugs.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your house. Those bastads live forever.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
What if I am sexy and I don`t know it?
If all men are created equal then why are there midgets?
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
Don`t be upset that you`re single; be happy that someone isn`t ruining your life.
There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter.
Taxes are like a subscription to your country that you can`t cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.