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United States is where moms get a day and shark get a whole week.
Hey Samsung and Apple, no need for commercials. We’ve all chosen sides.
"IT`S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON`T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I hate when I get to work and I`m at work.
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
Valentines day
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to "watch a movie" is actually watching a movie.
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
If by `the Hamptons` you mean `my pajamas`, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.
If Milli Vanilli were to fall in the woods, would someone else make a sound?
If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.