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"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
If I’ve offended you, please accept my apology. Then smack yourself in the face for getting offended by something on the Internet.
Why didn`t you tell me that I wasn`t going to like you
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
Back in my day, we had to remember phone numbers and give people directions and don`t get me started on the dinosaurs.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline around your car.
Feeling so good today ... High-five the person next to you and tell them it`s from me.
You can`t Febreze bullshit.
My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
Have you ever been cutting a piece of pager with scissors and worried that you might cut an atom in half and destroy the world?
It`s damn funny when a wife think`s she`s punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..
I have heard of women that aren`t crazy, but I`ve also heard of Unicorns.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.