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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
You cant ask "What do you mean by that?" without sounding pissed off
something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore.
If someone starts a sentence with "words can`t express," brace yourself, because they`re about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
Dark humor is like sex, not everybody always gets it.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
My road to success is under construction and all the workers are out getting sh!tfaced.
"Nothing there? Better bark at it." - my dog
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
In life you will meet all sorts of people, happy, moody, shy, loud, weird, and then there`s me So deal with it mmuhaaaaaaaahaaahaaaa that`s right !
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.