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Worry: a waste of imagination.
Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
The ‘poke’ button on Facebook should be replaced with a ‘slap’ button.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
I think I really have an amazing butt. Every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say "what an ass.."
Calm down! I`m not officially late until I actually get there.
Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.
I sure did waste a lot of time as a kid practicing my autograph.
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?
Of course I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.