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Honesty is the best policy, unless you`re trying to return something that you`ve already worn.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
No children were harmed in making this status. Ignored perhaps, but certainly not harmed…
You health nuts are gonna feel real stupid when you`re laying in the hospital dying of nothing.
Starting to believe I`m trouble
Does all this status updating make my ego look fat?
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
My wife told me I suffer from a lack of imagination. I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination." That showed her.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
I wish I could select all my responsibilities and press delete.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell
The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.