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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.
It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about sh!t ...?
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
One thing I`ll never understand is alcohol free wine
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
All my life I`ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
I just found out that all the people who say "You haven`t changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)
Why is it when I flush the toilet in the middle of the night, I have a feeling I woke up the entire neighbourhood?
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now
Given enough coffee, I believe I could rule the world.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying "the economy" a lot.