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If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
You can steal my status updates whenever you want, but just remember that I lick every single one before I post them...
Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones
When I see people drinking at 11 am on a Friday I`m like, where do you work and are they hiring?
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is play dumb.
I`m not crazy, I`m just special!!...No, wait...Maybe I am crazy. One second...I have to talk to myself about this, hold on...
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
The closest I`ve ever come to eating better is eating butter.
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.
If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die.
The easiest way for me to lose inches is to switch to the metric system.
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.