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I just can`t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None! It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
Aren`t you too fat to be this rude?
I get you, anti-evolution people. I`m too lazy to learn science too.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I’ve turned myself around.
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
I`d say that 6:30 is the best clock time, hands down.
Even this posting will offend some people, hopefully.
Why are Doctors so afraid of apples?
Whenever I see a happy couple.... smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love..... I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said "Good afternoon folks" they will let you take their order.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.