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My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
Is a roasted peanut like a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts?
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
If you`re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille
If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go? I`m going to need a quick answer for this....
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters not in the word?
Home: The place where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.
when i die i want to be thrown out of an airplane with a superman costume
I’m usually that person who has no idea what’s going on.