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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
Why do they always have 5K runs for charity? Just once, couldn’t they have a sit for charity or nap for charity?
Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
How crazy is it that we used to say "three and a half inch floppy" with a straight face
It doesn`t take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.
Roses are Red Violets are Blue, If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else
When I`m all out of alcohol...haha! Just kidding! I`d never let that scenario become a reality.
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys "partying"
Buying your wife a gun is like saying. "You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise."
Dear Cashier, you should stop giving me attitude and acting like you`re job is so complicated and stressful....Self-Checkout has proven that pretty much Anyone can do your job.