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The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
I have been left unsupervised yet again. This usually leads to trouble & other bad things, please have bail money ready and keep your phone on.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
Well I made it through the day without beating anyone with a chair. I`d say my people skills are improving.
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
I really wish Wal-Mart had a 10 teeth or more line...
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.
Well another funny thing about this status is, by the time your done reading this, you realize it talks about absolutely nothing and you just wasted your time. Welcome to Facebook.