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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
My first mistake was thinking she couldn`t hit a moving target.
The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
I dont know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
With the problems I have, I would have taken my own life a long time ago but i have one question: Do they sell weed in hell?
I’ve noticed the less open-minded someone is, the more open-mouthed they tend to be.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I hate lying to kids but my daughter asked me what twerking was and I told her it was when identical twins go to each others` jobs
If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
It should be a rule that if you dress up like a red hair clown , you get a free happy meal at McDonalds .....I`ll pay this time , but I`m not happy ... !!
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you`ll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense.