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Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
The sun isn`t the only thing that rises in the morning...if you know what I mean ;)
Ran into the girl who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.
I don`t "get lost". I find creative ways to get places I didnt know I wanted to go.
My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she meant baking soda....but I disagree. :)
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.
Wanted a nap but had trouble getting to sleep. So I put on Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. Now 13 hours later, I`m well rested.
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
October is breasts cancer month. I stare because I care.
That awkward moment when you remember something funny, and can’t stop smiling like an idiot.
I`m great at balloon animals. You should see my eel, snake, and worm.
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers