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If there is no chocolate in heaven...I AM NOT GOING!
If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
Don`t ever forget.. I`m always here. A l w a y s. Scrolling. Judging. Judging. Scrolling. That`s right. I see everything.
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
Lazy Rule 47: If you spill water, it will eventually dry.
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won`t eat you. If that doesn`t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
"The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
Those days where you don`t take anyone`s sh!t ... Yeah, today is one of those days.
Once again its friday I know its only been 7 days since the last one but feels like its been a week....
I´m thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.