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Girl: I am not having having s@x with guys at the moment. Boy:I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
It’s impressive how quickly I can go from full to starving.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream. Bring it.
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.
Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work. I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.
I saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as "grabbing for swirling dollars inside a Plexiglas Cash Cube."
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms: LOL - Lucifer Our Lord, BRB - Burn Religious Books, TBH - Tell Beelzebub Hi
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.