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Don`t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.
Maybe there`s no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
Let`s be honest. The only reason you listen to your voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear
Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger...Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don`t like.
Dear family, thank you for all those wonderful childhood memories ... Here`s my therapy bill.
If you want funny, get off Facebook and watch the news...
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words