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I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!
When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits. Go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.
I`ve taken my kids all over the country, but their favorite place to be is still "in the way."
Finding friends with the same mental disorder as you ... Priceless
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
This status update contains many of the same words that appear on Pulitzer Prize winning novels.
Wow, that Macy`s parade is crazy! The Kanye West float just cut off Snoopy and said Woodstock can fly better!
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
I`m trying to give up sexual innuendos. But it`s hard........so hard......