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I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
Has anyone donated any money to ALS? All these ice bucket challenges I been seeing makes me think ... you all some cheap bastards
If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.
Do crabs think we walk sideways?
Happy "Another excuse to drink" Day!
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
About to stick a pin in your voodoo doll.... Brace yourself.
Today`s interpretive dance was brought to you by "Spider On My Shirt". Up next we have "Oh jeeze, where did it go?!"
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too.
Don`t be sad if you didn`t get a Valentine`s Day gift, lt`s not the end of the world. That`s still ten months away.
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.