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Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, I’m not falling for that.
I never care whether or not my glass is half full or half empty... cause I drink straight from the bottle!
Dear Costumer Service: I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to you?
If intelligent people don’t start having babies as fast as the trash in “honey boo boo”, we’re headed for a very dumb future. Am I the only one that sees this?!
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point when she turned around and found out I was walking her home.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
Coffee is just a hug for your insides.
Stalin should have known communism doesn`t work. There were red flags everywhere.
80% of my status updates are BS, 15% are bologna and 5% are 100% straight from the heart.
Seriousley.. The cuntestents in the 2013 speling beee contast hafe too now no the meening of the werd thay hafe been axed too spell. I coud rock that contast so eesy :))))) eg. The meening of "Easy". Anser: a kids oven
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those TacoBell hot sauce packets.
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
I`m going to hire two private detectives to follow each other .