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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
I`ll be taking my time and yours,, thank you....... -- all 80 yr. old drivers
i dont normally have a cool facebook status, but when i do, an older relative spoils it with a lame comment.
Mad respect to people who can stop eating when they`re full.
If I didn`t procrastinate, I probably wouldn`t do anything at all.
This job fair sucks... They don`t have one F*cking ride...
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
Next time a guy says he wants to fight you, just say "not in that outfit!" and roller skate away
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
This recliner and I go way back.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments so they look crazy.
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store