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I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don`t have to hear what she`s talking about.
You make me have filthy thoughts, and for that I thank you...
im like the government: i spend money on things that aren`t important, and spend most of my time trying to explain to people why i need them.
It`s tough being a people person when you can`t stand most people.
Haters gonna hate, your honor
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
It’s funny that old people need handicap parking spots but they always manage to pick up a penny off the ground.
Excuse me but which level of Hell is this?
I’m drinking because you’re talking.
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
Shouldn`t the Air and Space museum be empty?
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.