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My minivan is always rocking, but it`s usually because I`m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.
The best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?
I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
They say you`re not supposed to go to the grocery store when you`re hungry. It`s been several days now, what should I do?
I`ve been hitting "remind me later" for about the last 4 years on Adobe.
Just one more drink and then I`m outta here" is one of my favorite lies.
One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...
If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas... would it stay in Vegas?
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
Did you know you can go to any gym without having to announce it on Facebook?
People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.
If McDonald´s sold hot dogs, could u, with a straight face, order a McWeiner & tell them 2 super size it?
I don’t drink to forget about problems. I drink to create new problems that that make the old issues irrelevant.
maturity comes when you stop publishing every detail of your life on social media