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I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
People I hate are not allowed to be funny.
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
It is possible to stay in your room all day and be perfectly happy.
I can`t wait to get all liquored up, and then go door-to-door to sing some Christmas Carols when it starts to warm up in April...
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Just saw the first duckface of Spring.
I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.
Some people live life in the fast lane. You’re in oncoming traffic.
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.