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I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
Just seen a sign reading "PAY ATTENTION WHILE WALKING your Facebook status update can wait". While on Facebook on my phone. While walking...
Once I`m finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ”K” instead of ”OK”?
If listening to stupid people burned calories, I`d be a supermodel.
Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
I don`t wanna be told what to do unless I`m naked
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters not in the word?
Only awesome people are allowed to ‘LIKE’ this status!
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find `em.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn`t believe in reincarnation either".
I wouldn`t do much for a Klondike Bar; I would however get naked for beer.