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I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
The good thing about being tall is, you can`t get lost in a crowd. The bad thing is, you can`t get lost in a crowd.
I pretend I’m taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they’ll think the future is in good hands.
I hate it when teachers say, “You think it’s funny?” Obviously it is, if it wasn’t I wouldn’t be laughing
So what if I`m single now ... I mean it can`t be that hard to boil toast, can it?
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
To-Do List : Nothing[?]
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective.
FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.
I woke up early this morning with the strange desire to get up and exercise. Fortunately I rolled over and closed my eyes really tight and the feeling went away.
Money isn`t the key to happiness ... Wait a minute, I`ll just pay to have a key made.
I feel that being a smarta$$ is my duty. The pay sucks, but the work is very rewarding.
Suddenly I can`t remember if it`s ok to use tampons as Nerf darts or if it`s the other way around.