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Roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you.
Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right. The 10th one hasn`t been seen since the study was conducted.
Health tip: There`s never a `safe` time to shake a teenage boy`s hand. Never.
If you`re going take a bathroom picture, at least clean it off. I can`t see anything through all the toothpaste.
I’ve made some pretty bad choices in life but I have to admit, having orange juice with Oreos was the worst.
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
Do you think Santa regrets giving all those bad kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home?
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
I get very annoyed when people mix up there, they`re and their. From now on I`m going to point it out, weather they like it or not.
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don`t realize how bad it is for their health.....until I`m choking them
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.
This day will end with either wine or shopping. Probably both.