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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
“It would take too long to explain…” Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
Basically the way it works is I tell myself I`m not going to eat too much and then I eat too much.
I will always love you, even if I have to from no closer than 300 feet.
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
Monopoly: Destroying friendships since 1904
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
How do nudist clean their glasses?
Statistically: 1 in 7 dwarfs are grumpy
I`m like the toughest guy in this comic book store.
Hibernation should be a human thing too.
Black Friday at my house consist of pants 100% off
I don’t know how your day is going, but I just got lucky on the couch! Yep, I found a dollar!
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn`t stolen.
I’m positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.