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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
This status update is only available in English.
I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
No one is more confident than a drunk girl wearing a guy’s hat sideways.
Dear Santa, I was framed!
After listening to what some people have to say, I am rethinking the importance this whole freedom of speech thing.
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
All I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask!
is confused. Oh wait, maybe not.
Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make anything your fault.
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..
You`re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
There are 10 types of people in the world, Those that understand binary, and those who don`t.