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You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity
Live today like it`s your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn`t.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
My phone is covered in cupcake frosting and dried ice cream, in case you were wondering how my life is going.
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
It`s too bad parallel lines never meet because they have so much in common.
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment...
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Ladies, wonder if he`s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
I need a job that pays at least 10,000 dollars an hour.
Girls these days be like `I wanna get the Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet`N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice tan look`