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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I used to think using big words meant you were smart, I was somewhat right but that was before I heard politicians speak.
Whenever I see a happy couple.... smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love..... I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
Do you think Santa regrets giving all those bad kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home?
I`d publish my autobiography but it`s just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.
I just don`t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
In "I am Legend" Will Smith lives alone for years. But then 24hrs after a woman shows up, he dies.....AND she stole his bacon
You`re really cute, can I suck the life out of you? - women
Can`t they just make a "Poke infinity" button?
If you have time to update your status as "very busy", then you obviously exaggerated.
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.