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What does Miley Cyrus have for dinner on Christmas? Twerky :`)
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?
Separating the men from the boys, one mood swing at a time.
Thanks to the State Farm commercial now I want a Falcon.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much stuff to carry.
What a snow day inside with the kids! My one son thought it would be a good idea to fill up the garage freezer with snow to save for later and my other son had an "accident" and peed all over the floor in the bathroom. Youd think they know better at 13 and 15 years old! I probably should stop letting them drink beer in the house.
He who laughs last didn´t get it.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
First you`re telling me to be myself, then you`re telling me to stop being an idiot. Make up your mind!
TIP: If cars are passing you on the highway in the LEFT lane, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE RIGHT LANE!
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
When life gives you lemons....throw them back and yell, "I wanted cookies!"
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.