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If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
If laziness was a sport, I would win first. Except I would have to send someone to except my medal.
It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek
My train of thought is loco, no motive.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
How crazy is it that we used to say "three and a half inch floppy" with a straight face
Caterpillars have it made. They eat a lot, go to sleep, then wake up beautiful.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I don`t get why people find drunk texts annoying. You`re the person they`re thinking of when their brain can`t even function properly.
If I’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that I need a wolf.
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor`s wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was enjoying myself I turned to notice my lady was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
If you put Root Beer in a square glass do you get Beer?
Garage sales are the gateway drug to Walmart.