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No officer, my speech isn`t slurred. I`m just talking in cursive.
Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
My friend sent his wedding invitation from Facebook Event. I sent him a gift from Farmville.
It`s Friday the 13th. Good thing I`m not superstitious, it`s unlucky to be superstitious...
Gym update: not there
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I thought I`d try yoga to make myself more flexible, but I`m still incredibly stubborn.
It should be socially acceptable to end any boring conversation by shouting "UNSUBSCRIBE!"
A new heavy metal Christian Rock band will soon be releasing their debut album. They`re called Nuns `n` Moses.
"I know im the best driver on the road" thinks every guy.
Dear Carly Simon, Yes I am so vain that I do think that song is about me.
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.