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Your life must really suck when no one even likes the catfish version of you.
I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
Behind every crazy woman is a man that made her that way.
After watching copious amounts of crime dramas I`ve come to the conclusion that serial killers only target women who wear matching bra and pantie sets. Feeling much safer now.
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
my Dr. says i have ADHD, i dont know how they see.... oooooh a squirrel!
I’m always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
Did you know that doughnuts make your clothes shrink?
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you’re seeing somebody else!” and run crying.
I`ve always wondered why they don`t have a pregnant Barbie doll? Turns out Ken comes in a different box...
Decided to get in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich!
There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.
Man I love watching women`s curling in the Olympics. It`s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
Sometimes my mind wanders, other times it leaves completly. ;)