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My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
We can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I`m still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She`s been talking for the last 2 days and doesn`t seem ready to shut up anytime soon.
If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they`re the problem is the other half.
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
When I say lol, I don`t literally mean I laughed out loud. What I actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nose, similar to a bull.
It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
i wasnt that drunk * "bro, you destroyed my mothers garden while screaming F*CK FARMVILLE!"*
2015 and I still can`t believe it`s not butter!
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one