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Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Send me a text like a normal person.
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
?"I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren`t you wearing pants" look."
These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
One day we the women will rap the men lets see how they like it!
Guys if a woman shaves hers legs she wants you to touch them..... You just have to make sure she knows You.
A lie is a great story that someone ruined with the truth.
Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
A show called the view shouldn`t hurt your eyes
Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.
It’s not the holiday season unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes.