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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
I’ll call it a “smart phone” the day I yell, “Where’s my phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under your covers!”
The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!
4 out of 5 dentists agree that 1 out of 5 dentists is just doing it for the attention.
There are over 10 different flavors of Ramen Noodles, yet they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
Don’t let anybody push you around ... unless you’re in a wagon, cuz that is just plain fun.
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me
Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.