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The meek shall inherit the earth. Probably because they`re the only ones who won`t complain about what we`ve done to it.
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
"A vodka, please" "Sir, this is McDonald`s" "OK, a McVodka, please and super size it."
Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn`t find a hug"
DRINK BEER SAVE WATER..www.godrunk.com
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They`ll thank you later.
When I become famous I`m not going to tell anyone.
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does.
Facebook`s list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I`ve been avoiding my entire life.
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
You´re never too old to learn something stupid.
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the clowns, freakshows and the bearded lady. Now... I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
Due to political correctness issues, "Krazy Glue" will now be known as "Mental Disorder Glue."
It’s not pretty being easy.