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Girls don`t dress for guys, they dress for themselves. If they dressed for guys they would be naked all the time
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
Started a new exercise routine yesterday. So far I`ve only missed one day.
Have we considered putting Scooby Doo and the gang on the Malaysian airplane caper?
It`s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2.
Dr. Seuss could have been the greatest rapper ever.
Being normal is boring.
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
I`d rather SH!T in my hands and clap!
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.
You know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.