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Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains that could`ve become beer, but didn`t
Why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone.
You and I are just different. And by different I mean you`re stupid.
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
You know what`s really great about being a narcissist? Me.
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
There is 2 address we will always know by heart, 1: Our Own, and 2: P. Sherman 42 wallyby way Sydney!
You ever read a status, and you`re like, `what a f*ck up` and then you realize you`re on your own page?
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to.
No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change
So who wants to tell the person who just threw a new phone book on my porch about the internet?
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!!!!