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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
Happy New Years Everyone! (I stole this status:) )
I just can’t stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks that I have let down by failing to “stay cool”
Rapper; "I`m killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."
Ways to get to my heart: 1) food ... that’s pretty much it
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
joined a nudist colony last week ... the first few days were the hardest!
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
Water is so good when it`s mixed with grains and yeast, fermented and then distilled and aged.
Taken names of employees from various stores and calling in sick for them, just to make it feel like I have a job. . .
If it weren`t for marriage,,, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!