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I may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don`t have the best childing skills, either.
I`ll act my age when I`m 69..
It`s not the torch she carries for me that has me worried, it`s the gas can in her other hand.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
McDonald`s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
when i was little my dad told me that the icecream man only played music when he ran out of icecream well played dad well played
Did you know you can buy live lobsters? Anyway, can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters.
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-ass".
Time to get Star Spangled hammered. Happy 4th you crazy Americans.
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
Whenever I receive a text saying bahaha, I like to believe you are a sheep on drugs.
the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.