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Sometimes it’s the little victories, like depositing a dollar to avoid overdraw fees that make me feel like a responsible adult.
I`m trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram, so I`m not going to eat anymore.
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
Commence six months of the clock in my car being wrong.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Wish I turned into a wolf every month instead of getting my period
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.
I don’t need your attitude. The voices in my head are enough
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
My flock of sheep were stolen from my farm last month. I`ve not been able to sleep since.
People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.