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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
I don`t care about your status...
People hate the truth. Luckily, the Truth doesn`t give a $#!t.
No children were harmed in making this status. Ignored perhaps, but certainly not harmed…
so I got really drunk last night, but I was good and took a bus home. the only problem I have now is I dont remember where I put the keys to the bus.
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
Ice cream is clearly God`s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
I`m always amazed that when tragedy strikes how quickly people on Facebook become experts on the subject no matter what it is.
I need to borrow someones kid for Halloween. I miss free candy.
I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
Welcome to the obesessive-compulsive hotline... please press 1 repeatedly.
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....