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If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
Why do people say ”I saw it with my own eyes.” Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
I have an alcohol problem, in that I can`t afford any.
I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.
And now it`s too hot outside to take down the Christmas lights
There are other things in life besides sex and alcohol. Those other things all suck, but they do exist, I assume.
I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy`s it would take to levitate?
I found the "one" today! Surprisingly, It`s been on my keyboard all the time.
After all these years, I`m beginning to suspect that Waldo doesn`t want to be found.
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
Found out the difference between onions and men. I don`t cry when I`m chopping up men.
I need chapstick on my lips ... anyone want to share ?