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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
“Let me rephrase this question so I can get pissed off at you all over again.” - WOMEN
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
Do you ever just sit there and think “why am I not rich”?
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What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
I`m kind of like Hugh Hefner. Only without the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. Basically, I`m just a guy in a bathrobe.
Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself.
People say laughter is the best medicine, but I’d like to think a beer is the way to go.
My participation in this meeting will be based solely on the snacks they provide.
Serious question: Are doctors sure erectile dysfunction isn`t just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
I have company coming, does a spork go on the right or left side?