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Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.
Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
One of these days I`m going to get help for my procrastination problem.
I`m looking for a new personal trainer, the last one didn`t work out
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
I`m just doing what the beer tells me to.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in
Agreeing to disagree is lame. Let’s agree to take turns slapping each other until one of us admits we were wrong.
? Single ? Taken ? Depends on who`s asking.
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
Sometimes my mind wanders, other times it leaves completly. ;)
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!