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Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
honestly I`ve never seen a tombstone that read "died from not forwarding a text to 10 people"
I would call my fashion style: “clothes that still fit.”
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
Your just jealous because u don`t hear the voices.
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
I spent 2 hours cleaning this kitchen. Mess it up and I will cut you! ... Love MOM
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can`t figure out who`s going to do it.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
A slutty girl is like the first slice of bread in a loaf. Everybody touches it but nobody wants it.
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.