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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.
Urgh..I just dropped my phone, are you guys alright?
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
Just found a hole in my sock and now I`m worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
I love you more each day as my other options diminish.
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
When I was growing up, I was taught to walk and talk and when I was grown, I was told to sit down and STFU!!!
Random Fact of the Day: Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
The only toys I was allowed to play with in the tub were the dirty dishes.
Today, 2 year olds can unlock an iphone, open and close their favorite apps. All by themselves. When I was that age, I was eating silly putty.