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Pizza is my favorite winter activity
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
I hate when I spend the extra money to buy organic vegetables only to get home and find out that I bought regular donuts.
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
I’m not shy, I’m just really good out figuring out who is not worth talking to.
I will give you unconditional love as soon as you meet my list of demands.
God is testing me today, but I don`t think he realizes I`m a `C` student.
Most people are lucky they can’t hear what I’m thinking.
Benefits of hooking up with me: You will be hooking up with me. I could go on but I think I made my point.
I will literally spend $20 on food but won’t buy a $20 shirt.