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There`s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the morning next to a gorgeous smiling face. So I keep a mirror next to my bed.
Accidentally used AOL.com, I betting the employees there are celebrating and think they have a sure future.
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I`d been invited to an autopsy.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said bet you can`t hit me with a quarter!
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
its not the up`s and down`s that bring you down...its the jerks!!
I`m pretty sure God just pointed at me and laughed.
What is an Amish girls favourite fantasy? Two Mennonite
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
Nothing says " My divorce didn`t go as planned " quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars
People who learned a bunch of stuff must have felt pretty stupid when Wikipedia came out.
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.