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ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.
Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
They say swearing is due to limited vocabulary. I know thousands of words, but I still prefer`f*ck off` to `go away`.
"Man, you know your bible verses forwards and backwards" - said no one ever
Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it`s safe to say it was a pretty sh!tty chameleon.
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
I hate when I´m laughing & my a$$ falls off.
If you have no regrets in life, you clearly have never gone out with me.
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I`m going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That`s what I did."
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.