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The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Starbucks announced guns are no longer allowed in their stores. Seems crazy banks didn`t think of this.
Salary is like a menstrual cycle, it comes once a month and is gone in five days...
I hate it when you`re buying stuff off the Internet and the bank calls to check to see if your card has been stolen. Sure, it seems nice, but then you have to explain to lady on the phone that no, it was not stolen, you really are the one who bought a subscription to bustyblondes.com
A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along.
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
Sorry, just got your text. Are we still on for last night?
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.
Life is all about tough decisions such as… Getting enough sleep or staying on the internet.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.