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Running on two hours of sleep Iām either way too happy or violently homicidal.
"I`m on my way." -People who haven`t even left the house yet.
I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
You are intriguing. You require further stalking, sorry I mean investigation.
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
I like how Sesame Street just casually has a vampire hanging around.
Life is hard, it`s even harder when your stupid.
You made several good points, and I understand that you are right, but the way you said it was so douchey I have to take an opposite stance.
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.
If women kept their feelings to themselves would they explode? Guess we`ll never know.
Hoping that Steve Harvey isn`t the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.
You know you`re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.