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I do whatever the little voices tell me to do.
Watching movies alone sucks. There´s no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"
So many feelings today. Mostly hunger.
You can`t fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too...
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
"But why?" - Me at weddings
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me ... from me.
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
Serious question: Are doctors sure erectile dysfunction isn`t just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"
When I said I like it rough I was talking about the sex, not the whole entire relationship...
So apparently airport security doesn`t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!