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People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I`ll be a morning person when it`s Christmas.
Only at McDonald`s do they say, "Sorry about your wait" and actually mean "weight" :P
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
bras are booby-traps
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found
Actually according to chemists, alcohol IS a solution…
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
Wow, I haven`t seen you since the last time I wish I hadn`t seen you
Anything you say will be used against you, in an argument, 10 months from now, because I’m a woman. And we never forget. Anything. Ever.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I`m thinking about remodeling my bathroom and thanks to all your selfies I`m getting some great ideas!!.....
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it`s okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich
iTunes got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.