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I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.
It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
I`ve disappointed a lot of people in my life, you`re not special.
I just want to find someone who will love me for exactly who I am pretending to be.
In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
I have been delaying my computer updates an hour for the past 3 years.
Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
It`s going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they`re just like, "We really hate corn."
Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
i used to like you but thanks to facebook i now know how boring u are
Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow`s ass
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn`t have sex.