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I try to avoid nice people, so they can stay that way.
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
You left a note on the fridge saying "This isn`t working. Goodbye" but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don`t get it.
Do you know who invented the Knock Knock joke? I don`t know either, but whoever did should get a no bell prize.
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza.
My bed is way more comfortable in the mornings than during the night.
Well after 6 months of my girlfriend nagging, I finally did it, I lost 120lbs ... I`m sure gonna miss her.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor’s trash so you don’t get robbed.
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"
I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.
Chillin: the art of doing nothing without being bored.