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There`s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the morning next to a gorgeous smiling face. So I keep a mirror next to my bed.
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.
I`m "got my sexual education from a 2 Live Crew cassette tape" years old.
I ordered some bubble wrap online. It arrived in a box surrounded by packing peanuts.
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there`s lunch brought in for everyone
Let`s drink till this day makes some sort of sense.
If she is still able to walk to the kitchen after s@x , you don`t deserve a sandwich.
A child`s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.
I`m 99% sure you think I`m weird. And I`m 100% sure I don`t care.
If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what`s the first thing you`d buy?
My last thought in life will probably be ” I wonder what happens if I touch this?”
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.