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My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
They say in the near future computers will become more intelligent than people, really, the near future? I walk down the street and see girls who struggle with the difference between orange and tanned, guys who have no idea how a belt works, and all of them with less language skills then the average trained chimp. Computers? Hell I’ve got an alarm clock that’s smarter than most of them right now.
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
when is humpty dumpty going to hatch?
Summer is almost over...All you half-naked people are gonna need to find a personality.
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
When I`m not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.
Presidents’ Day is just another made up holiday to sell more presidents
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Today is a great day. The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.
I`m a crabby a$$ bitch before my coffee ... and after
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up...
The reason I don`t play Scrabble online, is that I can`t throw the tiles at the person who beats me.
"Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt? - You`re wondering now!!!"