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You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
It`s so cold out, I just seen a woman in 2 pairs of pajamas at Walmart...
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
Is it too early for extra nog in my egg?
Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
Life is a constant battle between my love of food & not wanting to get fat.
Let`s be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy DOESN`T think he`s the most interesting man in the world?
You don`t have to dress like you`re a handbag, unless you are Lady Gaga.
Facebook should just change it`s name to "People You May Want to Avoid."
Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.
Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously it`s a girl because it won`t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas
October is breasts cancer month. I stare because I care.
I`ve often wondered: Who the heck is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?