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I love tan lines... it`s like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)
Anyone know when Facebook is sending us our W-2`s?
It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
Roses are red, dead ones are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
Alcohol doesn`t make you fat, it makes you lean..........against tables, chairs, walls, and garbage cans.
A real man should never wave faster than he says the word “hey”
The only reason I keep people`s phone numbers in my phone is to avoid their calls..
How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren´t even trying.
Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
dude i wasent tht drunk you were huging a peice of chese saying ill never let u go sponge bob
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out