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Why is it that the more annoying the tune, the harder it is to get it out of your head?
Immature is a word boring people use to describe fun people.
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I`m just wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
I’m not lazy, I’m on energy saving mode.
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
I`m sexy and I know it really is....... your slutty and you blow it.
Do not put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
So your baby doesn`t know any tricks at all?
I feel like grabbing some random kid and screaming "I`m YOU from the future!"
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.