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Why are people sad when potatoes can be cooked in like 200 ways?
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. ..Especially since I walked there. :)
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
Well, if anything, the Mayans did teach us one valuable lesson. If you don`t finish something...it`s really not the end of the world.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
Stalin should have known communism doesn`t work. There were red flags everywhere.
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
My Superpower is eating 5 times the "suggested serving" size.
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.
It`s kind of funny how as you get older, you start enjoying things that you hated as a kid, like taking naps and getting spanked.