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You know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I`d better check my phone for texts from friends. *checks phone* Well, I`d better get some friends...
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
When I squeeze a tube of `whitening toothpaste` and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
Remember, pretty much all of the “tough guys” you see on TV and movies were theater majors in college.
If you think about it,, Batman was pretty lazy about naming all his stuff.
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.
Note to self: Stop leaving notes to yourself, you never read them anyway...
All i ever see on facebook is LBR, TBH, LMS, and all that other crap...
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
You know there was a time in my life where I just didn`t give a f#ck.....funny how it seems that much hasn`t changed from an hour ago!!
With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything.
I kinda like zombies...but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk? ... my apocolypse plans depend on it ... thanks!