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So many rules; so little time to break them.
What Meatloaf wouldn`t do for love I would probably do for a six pack.
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
I`m not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch.
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
I`m obviously smarter than you`re
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin…just in case.
How does anything EVER get done at the bubble wrap factory??
Bulimia: Twice the taste. Zero Calories.
Well the Christmas tree is out of the house, and back on the rear view mirror.
Decided to cut back on my beer drinking. Fortunately, this martini is helping me through this tough time.
I bought the world`s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it`s terrible.
I`m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.