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I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.
If you`re wondering about my cooking skills, I`ve been asked to bring paper towels to our family gathering.
Live each day like you’re marked for deletion.
I am busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
Know the rules well so you can break them effectively.
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it`s in.
You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
Why isn`t Wendy`s girl fat? You would think that someone who eats so many Baconators, chicken sandwiches and other burgers, would be quite the porker by now.
I didn`t see anyone important today, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.