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If you didn`t hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don`t invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
None of the animals I designed and invented are at the zoo. Do they even check the suggestion box?
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
You couldn`t handle me even if I came with instructions.
Why is it the less money someone makes the better they are at reproducing?
Always end a conversation with "gotta run" so people think you`re into fitness
St Patricks Day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!
Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn`t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
I`m only gonna have one beer. At a time. Until all the beer is gone.
Hello, fire department? Is this Mr. February? Yeah, I`m stuck in a tree. Uh, I mean... meooow.
The Spanish version of the Subway jingle “65.63 Peso 0.3 meter largo” isn’t quite as catchy…