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Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
This day needs more tomfoolery!
I`m just a boy, standing in front of a girl; not listening to a f*cking thing she`s saying. But nodding, lots of nodding.
Went down the gym and burnt 1200 calories today. I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven!
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
I bet everyone in Gotham prisons really hates the guy that killed Bruce Wayne`s parents.
FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
I need a six month vacation Twice a year.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
Yes, I used to "dance like no one is watching"; at least until Google Earth sent me a certificate for ten free lessons.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside