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I`m still mad that video killed the radio star.
I FINALLY "friended" my girlfriend on Facebook.. You know.. So I could get updates on our relationship status.. :|
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
I tried to make both ends meet, but I`m a poor judge of distance.
Not all guys just want s@x... I want sandwiches too.
DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.
It`s scientifically proven the more you shut up then the less likely I am to punch you in the face.
Trust me ...... I can`t believe I`m still here either.
Kid, I can take you out the same way I brought you into this world, by making it look like an accident.
I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Nothing hides your feelings like the backspace key.
Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain`t good.
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".