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There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
FB friends, please let me know if you own one of those cool little Smart cars so I can unfriend you.
Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked ... So did all the other people at the post office.
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
has a Massive drinking problem ... there is no alcohol in the house!