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If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.
Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible.
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
The awkward moment when you set something down for a second and it disappears off the face of the earth.
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming
Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the “Like” button.
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective.
Well, Thanks to SAMSUNG, flat screens are no longer `Flat`.
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
How dumb is that family if Mrs. Doubtfire can fool them a second time?