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Man, this Trojan gum I bought tastes terrible ... Blows amazing bubbles though
I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.
I try not to be rude, but some people make it hard work.
I`ve been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it "yoga"?
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.
I`ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I`m actually talking to someone.