Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.
I just passed the local college and saw 3 very fit young ladies with very tight yoga pants walking to class...I have never been so motivated to return to college.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
When I`m bored I like to dress in a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks.
Stapling water to a tree is easier than controlling your laughter at serious times.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
Let`s share...you take the grenade and I`ll take the pin.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
You’ve never truly lived until someone has posted a sign because of something you’ve done.
Good morning friends … Wait … what the hell m I doing up this early?
When reality kicks in… add more booze.
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.