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Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
People assume when I yawn that I’ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
Good morning to some...Hello to others...And f*uck you to the rest!!
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
I enjoy going to costume parties that have a theme. ..."Nude Beach" is my personal favorite.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
Today is that day where anything you read online could be totally made up. Oh, wait, that`s every day.
Ate too much salad yesterday so I`m going on an Oreos cleanse today.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario & how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you`ve ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.