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Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
Just remember, If we get caught you`re deaf and I don`t speak English.
Running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
It’s funny how people get mad when you treat them the same way they treat you.
I`m not a gamer, but I can be as lazy as one.
It`s hard to look like a bad-ass when you`re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I don`t understand why people want a relationship when there`s pizza.
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"
If your father is poor, Its your fate, but if your father-in-law is poor, then its your fault!
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now
Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile at my sparkling wit.
Two things everybody wants: 1) Lose weight. 2) Eat.