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It`s amazing what you`ll wear in public when you`re not trying to have sex with anyone.
Do you know who invented the Knock Knock joke? I don`t know either, but whoever did should get a no bell prize.
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes
Turns out people who say they love hot sauce on anything are liars. In other news, I`ve recently been banned from making the classroom coffee.
A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked — but don`t worry, another study says you`re just being paranoid.
Its hotter than a three peckered billy goat!
Facebook: an alternative to drunk dialing.
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
Facebook should allow people to be in a relationship with food. That would be my relationship for eternity.
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"