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I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
If you think you hate me now, wait till I start answering your rhetorical questions.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
So far, I am 100% at believing what happened next on Facebook links.
The closest I`ve ever come to eating better is eating butter.
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
This is not meant for you. Look away. STOP LOOKING AT IT! :)
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.
I hate it when I fill my blowup doll with helium and then she plays hard to get...
Sorry, Mr. Homeless Guy, here’s the story. I’m in college. I work part time and I can only support one of our alcohol problems.
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
I always learn from mistakes of others, who took my advice.
Moral compass? Is there an app for that?
Technically, every picture is a before picture.