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If Miley doesn`t get her sh!t together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college.
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
Some people just need sympathetic pat.........on the head........with a hammer
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all.
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
Checking the time on your phone twice because you were`nt paying attention the first time
Hold boobs not grudges.
Where have you been all my life? ... Please go back there.
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
I`ve been single so long now I don`t remember what it`s like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn`t even know it did!
Sometime you have to hand it to short people ... because they can`t reach.
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.