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Aging is inevitable, Maturing is optional.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?
The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you`ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you.
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
You`re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
Two things that most people want. 1. Lose weight 2. Eat
Fact: You wish Facebook had the middle finger button.
A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.