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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
Happy people don`t take long showers.
We all need to take great interest in our future because we will spend the rest of our life there.
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
I don`t need to go to church in order to feel ashamed of myself on Sunday morning.
Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
Christmas is just like a day at the office ... You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
I was raised on the streets is more manly than saying I grew up watching Sesame Street.
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
St Patricks Day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.
The weather is so nice. I think I’ll go outside and watch other people run.