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I`m thankful for many things, but mostly that there were no camera phones when I was in high school.
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
Marriage: It`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
I know it`s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you`re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
I have a friend with one eye, he`s pretty cool about it, instead of :D he sends .D
I don’t understand shark movies I mean just get out of the water.
Do you think Santa regrets giving all those bad kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home?
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
SAFETY TIP: Lock your doors and windows before bed. By the way, I love what you`ve done with the place.
Volleyball = A more intense version of don`t let the balloon hit the floor.
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....`I`ve got nothing man.`
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie