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Was the little pig who decided to built his house out of straw some sort of f***ing idiot?
Steve Jobs is now working with God to make iWife... Beauty with brains and Mute button
I hate Russian nesting dolls. They`re so full of themselves
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Settle down joggers at red lights, settle down.
I can`t help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper.
I know I`m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.
They told me to never give up. Now they call me a stalker.
I can`t wait to get all liquored up, and then go door-to-door to sing some Christmas Carols when it starts to warm up in April...
The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.
Dear family, thank you for all those wonderful childhood memories ... Here`s my therapy bill.
I`ve come to the point where I don`t even procrastinate anymore ... I just don`t do it.
I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.
If you needed to wear camouflage in a gingerbread house, would you wear ginger snaps?
Calling out your ex`s name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won`t forget them after you break up.