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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
When you write misspelled backwards it`s misspelled.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
I always wonder if the people sitting near me at church every Sunday are unsettled by the fact that I take my communion like a shot of cheap vodka because I`m still in a party mode
If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.
Highschool Reunion? What for ? I`m on Facebook. I already know who got fat.
My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it
Statement: "Do you really love me?" True Meaning: "Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later."
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.
I don`t get my neighbor. tells me to make my self at home but then gets pissed off when they come into the kitchen and I`m in my underwear making a sandwich.
I just want you to be happy. And naked.
My bedroom is perfect for a one night stand, but there’s no room for two night stands.
I’m so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.