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As a man, EVERY month is `Breast Awareness Month` for me.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever person.
It`s all sh*ts and giggles till somebody giggles and sh*ts
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
Ahh, Spring. When the days get longer and the dresses get shorter!!
Don`t call me names, you don`t know enough words to describe me
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they`re going to be talking.
Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it`s time and getting to know each one of us personally.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY
I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.