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DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Silence is Golden, except when coming from children… Then you’d better go check to see what’s broken.
If every social website was set up to look like a spreadsheet, pretending to work would be so much easier for me.
I wish my GPA looked like the gas prices right now...
No officer, my speech isn`t slurred. I`m just talking in cursive.
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time…
I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.
That feeling you get when you meet someone named dick....
Men ask us if we`re naked when we tell them we`re taking a bath. THAT`S why they pay more for their car insurance.
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
A cop pulled me over and said ``Papers...`` So I said, ``Scissors, I win!`` and drove off like a boss!
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.